The Darkness Continues…

Okay, I was partially deaf and going blind.  I’d given up on my athletic dreams.  I hadn’t written in years so why start now.  Life dealt me the bad deal.  How could it get worse than this?

The worse was yet to come.

I was declared “legally blind” by Social Security and began to receive disability benefits.  I did continue to work towards my P.E. degree even though I really had no intentions of using it.

Then, I met Aaron and fell in love.  We were married within a year after our first meeting (through a church’s function).  We had so many things in common.  We loved rock n’ roll especially the 80’s rock and early 90’s alternative music.  We both loved sports.  He was a soccer fanatic.  He not only played in various local leagues, he also coached boys’ soccer teams in the town we’d lived.   His dreams were to not only coach kids, he also wanted to be a teacher.  He began college to pursue both.

I like to say I was the good wife.  I can’t.

I was manipulative.  Verbally abusive to him.  Why?

Jealous because he was able to play soccer?  Resentful because he took me away from my family to live with his own?  Bitter because he knew exactly what he wanted to do, and was able to do them?   Envious because he made friends wherever he went and I couldn’t?

Name it, and I felt it.  Then, I punished him.

I became the psycho-bitch that mothers would warn theirs sons against.  And I hated myself for being that way.

I wanted to change.  For him.

But, it was too late.

One cold day in March, Aaron was killed in a car accident.   He was on his way to pick up our pastor to take to the hospital because he didn’t want to take the ambulance.  I decided not to go at the last-minute.  Aaron was going too fast when he lost control of the car, and crashed into a dumpster truck.   The truck struck the passenger door, and because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt…well, you get the idea.

The heartache I felt that day was unlike I had ever felt before.  It was unbearable.  And the guilt…

That night I attempted to take my life by overdosing on certain pills, but something stopped me.

How could I be this selfish?  To take my life after what Aaron’s and my family have just gone through with his sudden death?   I hated myself for the way I’d treated Aaron, but I could not do this to them.

So, I decided to live with the pain and the guilt.

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2 thoughts on “The Darkness Continues…

  1. Hi Carrie,
    I cannot begin to know how you feel about all this stuff that happened to you and that you have lived through. It requires a special kind of person to be able to see your own shadow (the jealous wife and all you did) and want to do something about it. Really, it does.
    I’m really glad you decided to not try to kill yourself again.
    The world – upbringing, our family, school, even the church – does not equip us to be able to deal with our own pain. Instead they offer distractions, medications, anything to get our minds off the real, deep down reason for our suffering, which in your case was your feelings of injustice at your going blind and partially deaf. Who would not feel anger and indignity at such an outrage!? I know I would!
    We are not given any tools for coping with such dramatic, hurtful change in our life, are we?
    To me, that’s what I see in this post: your pain was never addressed and instead of healing, then mourning and moving on with your life in your new circumstances, it went “underground” so to speak, into your unconscious. When you attracted a man who was, for all intents and purposes, livign the kind of life YOU wanted so much to live, out it came again this now-shadowy-self, and it did the only thing it knew how: it hurt him as much as it hurt you.
    We project out there what we cannot or won’t own what’s trying to integrate with us – in your case, your intense pain at the injustive dealt you by a cruel life.
    Instead of being resigned to your fate, i.e., “living with the pain and the guilt,” would you not much rather heal, mourn, and grow from this personally transforming experience?
    Please realise that I am not trying to minimise your pain, not at all!
    I simply hear a cry for help and in my experience of healing from childhood sexual abuse, multiple addictions, and wrenching myself from my own unconscious complexes that were running my life, I just felt that my words may bring some other choice than resignation.
    I’m sending this with love,
    Raymonde

  2. Raymonde, thank you so much for your words…they offer me comfort and hope. I have held so much of my feelings and pain inwards to the point where I’m unable (or even not really wanting to) to voice them outwardly; instead I’m “writing” them down through this blog. I know I have a long way to go, but honestly feel this is a start towards some kind of peace and healing.

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